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I miss your yawn, your scattered tired brain, your clumsiness, your grace, your highness, your face, your eyelids, your lipgloss, your complexion, your elf ear, your self fear, your breasts, your paleness, your flesh, your teeth & their bite, your gentle assaults, your numerous faults. I miss your mash potato fascism, your nose in my cheek, your knees that are weak, your forgetfulness, your memory, your mammaries, your fantasies, your antenni, your glamorous eyes, getting lost in a smear of lipgloss & perfume, your saliva, your... Yes, I miss that too. I miss the softness of your arms, of your eyes, I miss my lips on your neck & making you a wreck. I miss being in the tub afterwards, my deep sea diving suit, your laugh which is cute, the slippery floor, your begging for more. I miss the margaritas & the sand, the wave of your wand. I miss dreading the dawn, I miss choking your fawn, I miss breathing, babies voices, narrow choices, forsaking invoices. I miss ______ & the sight of that lower case name, I miss my contentment, I miss the shadow of your tiny joy, & the licking of paws. I miss dancing & careening & sled rides, & waterslides, I miss comfort & joy, & being your boy. Your smoothness, your supple, your fudge quintuple with a cherry, your bridal veil, your unfurrowed sail, your catbus, your cactus, your hospital & train wreck, your sweet neck, your legs & their flesh, your fortune, your cries & your clinging, your sorrows in the night & the way that you feel me. I miss your prayers that I answer, your cancer, your doubt, your pout, your itsy bitsy spider & your water spout, your grave doubts, your hard clouts, your jubilant shots, your baby smell, your love from hell, your dinner bell, shed shell, your fledgling pride, your wing stride, your thick hide, your sweet glide, your dream tide. Your thanking, your spanking, the overflow of blankets, & bare & socked feet bouncing on the bed. Crawling like cats, I miss you, & the kingdom, I miss freedom & the ability to make you see, to feel, to fly, to follow, to lead, to bleed, to taste you. To jump from mantle to shelf, to bed to heart, to fall into you with a quivering soul, to follow hard truth with grape tarts & leotards. Dancer's cups & butter cups, & sunlit corridors without smoke, & hope, & holding you...


I finally took some pics of the kittens & their toritie momma Lilly which we are raising at Gloria's Pet Rescue. They have been a great boon & a shot in the arm to us, as we have lost 6 of our most elderly & longsuffereing cats in the last 2 months.I cleeared the walk in cage & put a nice scrathing post for them to play kinf og the mountain on, where thay can run & jump/put a hamack close to the floor for them to nurse on, etc.

It is the greatest feeling in the world to go in & sit on the floor with a litter of playing kittens and their momma.They attack your socks & want to climb up your jeans & basically be all over you.

Eliza hisses at the curious kids

Biting the paw of "the king"

a raucus blur

Bitten from both sides

Lilly watches

Beautiful Lilly

Coronary Bypass Surgery

So among the other things going on in the last couple weeks, my dad needs tripple bypass surgery. It is going to be on the 16th of this month. I talked to my dad for about an hour on the phone tonight & have been visiting him as often as possible since he has rceived his dagnosis.

April is visiting from texas in a week and should be here during the surgery. This is good news. My nephew Ethan will not be coming because he is still in school. Probably he'd be mostly trouble do deal with in a tough situation so this is for the best. Although I do look forward to his visit this coming summer.

Makes me think about losing dad. This would be a very unfortunate circumstance. I was hoping to keep him a few years longer. It has been difficult because in a lot of ways we have become emotionally estranged since his re-marriage. He does not think of April & I as family now, so much as "former" family. He's detached in a weird way which she & I have both conferred about. Not sure if it is a male thing of following the woman when it comes to family, or his mourning & loss of my mom & a coping mechanism. Of course he doesn't notice it or have any idea what we're on about, but it is obvious to almost anyone else. At holiday events for instance, Debbie's kids have been known to ask "where is Brent."


I am in great shape. I have been riding my bike very hard & doing vertical crunches on my pullup bar. People have been noticing. I feel more myself physically. Even while I was depressed I was working out hard & eating better. So now that I am in a better place, my work is paying emotional dividends. I do try to get a boost even out of bad things. And this fitness boost was something that even feeling suicidal could not rob me of. And now that I am capable of feeling something positve, it is there for me.

conferring with a friend

E___ is asking for what she is getting. She asked for what she is getting with M___ who turns on her regularly & whom she supports & who is living off of her with promises of stopping soon. And she is asking for what she got from me although I don't think it is as bad as what she now sees it as, thanks to drugs or M___’s influence. She asked for contact, to know all sorts of things about me; to read the book of my life. And she called me for advice & support. It is ironic that it is while I was giving her that support in response to information which she gave me (unasked), that I supposedly talked about things I "had no right" to talk about or ask about.

But best of Luck to them.


Thanks Steph,

Well M___ is Schizophrenic so I told him about my bad experiences (Randy’s death threats) up front, & basically said I had my eye on him. But he was smart & interesting. Smart as a whip, but of course compulsively hostile (not jsut to me of course - to just about everyone).

E___ was the super inquisitive one. She would post on my wall asking if i had written a book (comment now deleted). She is the one who found me in the first place although I initially talked to M___ a lot more than her. And she when I said I had abandoned my book, said she was going to gather my writings together and MAKE a book out of them. We got to know each other a lot and I talked to and treated both of them as equals & very fairly IMO, despite the age differences & so on. I was considerate to both their points of view in any instances where I gave advice about their fighting or anything.

I think M___ was getting jealous and suspicious but though i kept trying to talk to him too, he would not talk to me after a certain point. I also repeatedly asked E___ if he was OK. She always said he was fine with it. Until finally he gave me a long message saying I was dead, and that interested him because he wanted to avoid that state for himself in the future & that he had only ever spoken to me because he was repulsed by me. (E___ characterized her compuslion to talk to me as being motivated by pity after the fact.)

Basically the two of them fight all the time. They are living on top of each other & I think its a bit crazy of E___ to be living next to him & looking at another man's writing & talking to him upwards of 16 hours a day but what do i know.

And they have basically given their relationship a temporary shot in the arm by uniting against a common enemy; namely me. She during her hallucinogen trip and talking to him had in hindsight misconstrued a lot of things I asked & inquired about - for instance "Do you see yourself as being with M___ for the rest of your life" became something which they both characterized as a question where I asked about her faithfulness to him. Never was quoted but fed to me in a sort of 'You know what you did' fashion. I can only imagine the question I am supposed to have asked. Perhaps; ever feel like cheating on M____. Or even; do you want to be unfaithful to M___. Whatever. Not going to answer for their paranoia & mis-characterization.

Mis trust of people one meets online: The reason I am vulnerable to things like this & you are not, is because I do not have the same social outlets as yourself. I am not married, do not have a bunch of irl friends. Have become estranged from most of them & many of the remaining ones like Gloria & Laura, are not insightful about the carnal, psychological, sexual, political interests I have. But I am better talking to no one than opening doors like this; obviously.

M___ did characterize me as a woman hater which is odd (I should say cheap), because I shared exactly the same kind of details with him that I did with E____. I hate the feminist mindset & make no secret about this. But I treat women as equals; don't coddle them or treat them as confused & addle brained or prudes. I had told E___ that most of my friends are women. Ironically M___ is the one who turned on me & basically declared me "enemy" and who was the most judgmental & hostile. So males would seem to deserve their isolation from each other, with that as an indicator.

And E___ is asking for what she is getting. She asked for what she is getting with M___ who turns on her regularly & whom she supports & who is living off of her with promises of stopping soon. And she is asking for what she got from me although I don't think it is as bad as what she now sees it as, thanks to drugs or M___’s influence. She asked for contact, to know all sorts of things about me; to read the book of my life. And she called me for advice & support. It is ironic that it is while I was giving her that support in response to information which she gave me, that I supposedly talked about things I "had no right" to talk about or ask about.

But best of Luck to them anyway.

people who turn. & other news

I just had another in an endless string of alienating experiences.

Received a poison pen letter & another message being told my motives were suspicious. I am very tired of defending myself to people. If you're so weak that you can't resist calling me up crying when I have asked for some space, how is that a situation that my "motives" (suspicious or otherwise) have anything to do with> If you flip flop & change your minds; go ahead. But it's always with the kinife on the way out. - Thanks for that.


This happens on the heels of going through a really terrible reunion that threw me for a loop & had me even less stabalized than usual. When I do not engage with people I actually have happy days, days where I feel lucky to be alive & have what I have.

see also: The Bride Stripped Bare By Her Bachelors, Even http://mostuncertain.livejournal.com/328783.html


Earlier this week dad cancelled a movie night with myself, my cousin Tim, & my uncle Anthony. He had gone to UCI for a stress test & they wanted to submit him to some further testing. He was in the hopsital for 3 days in all when he had just gone in for 2 hours of testing. He needs tripple bypass surgery.

He has scheduled his surgery for the 16th & mys sister might be coming out from Texas. It would be very nice to have a blood realtion here for us to confer with. Reminds me that I am bound to lose my dad pretty soon. Hopefully not for several more years though.



that feel when trippers form a democracy & decide you're the devil.

Kitten pics & petfinder listings

This is how I spent my afternoon:

Xena and the rest of her litter were saved from traffic by a group of watchful neighborhood girls. She is approximately 9 weeks and small for her age. Xena is the most outgoing of her siblings and lives up to her warrior princess name. Absolutely beautiful to behold!

Sammy and the rest of his litter were saved from traffic by a group of watchful neighborhood girls. He is approximately 9 weeks and small for his age. Sammy is the most shy of his siblings and the only surviving male. He's absolutely adorable! Looking for a safe forever home with you. (adopt him with a sibling; they are great in pairs)

Suzie and the rest of her litter were saved from traffic by a group of watchful neighborhood girls. She is approximately 9 weeks and small for her age. Suzie is the friendliest of her siblings. Loves to play, chase toys and rough-house with her siblings (adopt 2; they are great in pairs).

Sadie and the rest of her litter were saved from traffic by a group of watchful neighborhood girls. She is approximately 9 weeks and small for her age. Sadie is the best rounded of her siblings and is rather like a middle child. She likes to play, and nap, purr, and be petted. (adopt 2; they are great in pairs)


Eeyore Operation A Success

This is Eeyore. She is Tanner & Sparkle’s little sister. She was born with a deformed fore-paw, a hernia & without a sternum. (Edit: operation revealed a very tiny sternum) Saw her again yesterday & her $4,000 operation was a success. She had some water in her lungs on Wednesday the day of the procedures. But has since recovered very satisfactorily. They had to repair the hernia & sew some of her chest muscle to further protect her lungs & organs. What an amazing little cat.

God Bless Gloria & her Pet Rescue for paying for the operation, & her no life is too small policy. Any donations are welcome. We're still a long way from having this paid for.

On a personal note, I got to see Tanner for the first time in a month at the adoption event. I brought Sparkle & she behaved astoundingly well & was not overly upset or nervous. So I was able to hold Tanner. I was wearing a sweater & he put his arm up & touched my neck as he stretched across my stomach & chest. At another point he laid on his back purring in my lap & while I rubbed his tummy; he kneaded both his paws on the upper left arm of my sweater & closed his eyes as if in kitty heaven. Joanne said "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but he really does love you. He never acts that way with me." (I can't keep him because I have to work with his siblings still, to get them adoptable & I only have room for one extra cat at a time.)

The handsome, handsome Tanner (AKA Tan-Man) on the left, whom I miss so very much!

Hope & Tanner

These kitties are not related but have formed a bond. They also fight, stalk each other & play a lot. I have fostered other Kittens & Hope made friends & played with them. But none of my cats have ever adopted one another like this. Including the permanent residents. When Gloria took Tanner to an adoption event last Saturday, Hope was looking around for him.

Group of thoughts about "openness"

The condescension inherent in the statements which I see about how heterosexuals, males & cis “need to be educated” about this, that & the other, is staggering! Why would the general population have a “need” to be educated about transgenders or any other tiny, fringe group or eccentricity? And isn’t in the mouths of transgenders, homosexuals women, such words about another group which they don’t belong to as a “need to be educated” prescriptive & condescending? Why would transgenders be prescribing necessities to society at large or to heterosexuals? Isn’t that rather presumptive? And why is the reverse not also true, that transgenders women or homosexuals equally have a lack of insight about heterosexuals, cis & men, also presumed?

And yet it is not, hence my assertion that they are viewed as oracles (because they are not understood, we assume they understand others & the first task they are assigned is the act of defining others. Ie feminists defining men, gays or transgenders defining & prescribing educational curriculum to majority groups, etc.). Yet does the fact they have been according to themselves & science “discriminated against” make them less resentful of larger groups & more insightful about the group who is increasingly being defined only according to the discrimination which fringe or marginalized groups suffer? How does that work? It’s the opposite of what we believe, which is that our own prejudice & bias should NOT define what another group is, in our own, & our societies’ estimation.


Very often I have had my ‘privilege’ & the assumption of my disproportional participation in & advantage in society used as a rhetorical foil against me. And it is done by people who quite obviously also freely & sufficiently participate in society, to the point they are on equal footing with me enough at least to debate & openly & repeatedly condescend to me.

If minorities are defining society they are clearly also participating in it. At the very least participating in it, for to define something is actually to wield a great power over it. It is a power which we do not trust the majority with, so why would we in turn simply bestow that trust & power on any minority, & assume that they were an exception to human behavior? Wouldn’t a better solution be to allow all people to define themselves? And to allow people to prescribe their own meaning & their own educational curriculum about what after all is “culture”? Who we have sex with, what we believe about the powers of & good and bad attributes of differing genders, sex, what we wear, is culture!


If transgenders or other groups would rephrase their philosophies a little it would go a long way. If they would say, ‘what I’d like for people to understand or know about us,’ who ask & are interested, it might go a long way.

Instead cis or straights are simply criticized for asking the wrong questions in a very damned if you do damned if you don’t sort of a way. And it’s a rigged game from start to finish. Nobody asks us all about how we want to be defined before they dare open their mouths to us - that is a privilege which cis don' have. We’re not constantly correcting people, even though in my own case at least, they often get it wrong:

Katie courig was recently criticized for asking two trangenders about their transition. Told it was nobodies business what was between their legs. Well, is it nobody’s business, or is it everybody’s business? Please decide.

If she had not asked about the transition, which is the prefix of the very word transgender, wouldn’t she also have been damned for wasting the opportunity to educate & not asking about such an obvious & fundamental thing as what was between their legs & how it was different now from what they were born with?


And in the face of this rigged game cis are saddled with all this condescending humor, macros, talked to like kindergarteners in their own homes, on their own TV shows. And this open & repeated condescension pretends to masquerade as an appeal to us for greater understanding. Its absolutely absurd!